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DIPR (DEEPER) THOUGHTS
With an organic writing approach, I bring intuition, addressing workplace concerns & matters that affect me D.eeply
People underestimate how the lack of confidence can surface from hitting the middle of your career, after also experiencing multiple hardships. Then, having to go back into the job market, when many in your industry only see the young, as the target audience. It brings me back to a previous piece of mine re AGEISM and how you begin to feel like everything you’ve worked hard for and everything you accomplished were for nothing. Even when you think that more credentials, more experience and more certifications gives you more worth…(to them)! You become more talented…(to them). . . you become more at their disposal.
You begin to think that you're “old.” Though, you’re nowhere near it. You’re just OLDER, more seasoned, you have more awareness, you lead with more integrity, you speak up more…the way you create means more to YOU, so why are you not enough for THEM? I never knew that I would begin to feel like the career and life that I built would be over, when I feel like I just got started. I never thought the confidence that I once had in myself and in my art, would lead to self-doubt, in the art that I created and want to create. You start asking yourself - what is happening? What’s wrong with me? Do they not see ME anymore? Did I not make a difference in sooooo many people's lives already? Did I not help that company thrive? Did that company not benefit from ME - my talent? It kinda creates a sense of sadness, like you're in a midlife crisis, of sorts. You start to regret EVERY decision that you made in your career! You blame yourself for even circumstances out of your control, like bad work or toxic work environments, facing trauma like the social encounters of discrimination/racism, narcissistic bosses, speaking up for what’s right is now wrong . . . merely for being your authentic self and having a voice. So what do you do now… When you continue to face rejection or phrases like your work is so impressive, but we decided to go with another candidate you’re not a good fit How do you not shut down and continue believing in yourself? How do you stay the course when it seems like you’re just NOT enough . . . (for THEM)?!?!? Self-doubt turns into depression, which turns into a lack of productivity, which later turns into grief. Where do . . . you fit? I recall a supporter of mine saying to me: maybe you’re not supposed to fit in While I believed in that phrase, my inner voice was asking… . . . then how will I ever have the money and make the connections that will assist me in creating the life that I want . . . help my own business really work? How do I even become visible again, when it seems like I’m either not old or accomplished enough, in my field or I’m NOT young enough, to compete with the younger generation. Again, I wasn’t the one who chose my birthdate. (As stated in my AGEISM piece, as well) I only get to choose where I want to be and do in life. Self- doubt is not just something that happens when you’re younger and unsure of your worth; It can actually happen when you’re older, a more seasoned Artist, creative, or whatever you identify as. And actually (inside)... you are confident in your work and the worth that you bring to the table, but others have caused you to feel the exact opposite >>> THEM <<< Self-doubt is undoubtedly the hardest feeling to move through when you’re older because you always had this loose plan of how your life would turn out and now that it hasn’t turned out exactly how you’d hoped…you now have doubt, in your next move & the completion of your journey. So how do we move through this enormous self doubt that has stolen our confidence? Do we merely have to continue taking all the punches that life throws at us, when it comes to working or not being able to work in our chosen field OR do we have to let go of all we've worked for, in search of something unfamiliar? Something possibly underneath our skillset? Something inauthentic, to who we are? Anything . . . that places us within the societal construct of what adult life should be? What are your thoughts on Self-Doubt, as you age? ~ deeply
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We’ve all heard of “silent killers,” right?
Let me give you a couple of examples: 1. In the medical world, some undetected illnesses can become silent killers. For instance, high blood pressure, certain cancers, and so on. 2. Carbon monoxide is also considered a silent killer because it’s colorless, odorless, tasteless, and non-irritating. Although this discussion won’t delve into the issues described above, I wanted to use those examples as a reference. With that said, can you think of some silent killers in the workplace? One significant one is remaining SILENT. You might not initially consider being silent in the workplace, keeping your head down, and just doing your job as a disadvantage. However, in two separate instances, these experiences became part of my story, still needing much healing. I realized that merely doing your job isn’t always enough, especially when there’s an underlying issue such as unconscious racial bias from your supervisor or boss. You might get hired for being a diversity hire or for your connections and skills, but if the workplace culture isn’t inclusive, it creates challenges. For example, in 2021, I was given a role as the Creative Operations for a Chicago studio, which seemed tailored for me. However, when I asked questions about compensation for additional tasks like social media management, my boss became defensive and eventually removed me from the office. Let’s rewind a bit—I found myself staying quiet in meetings where there was a sense of disconnection, with everyone focused on individual tasks rather than collaborating. Feeling excluded and misunderstood, I retreated into silence as a response to not feeling heard or valued. However, when I did start speaking up in regards to racial concerns, I faced retaliation, after being pushed out. I’ll always remember that meeting where my boss and another white colleague were present; my boss labeled me as negative and reduced me to tears. The workplace culture he fostered lacked inclusivity in the office, making me feel guilty for opting for silence to maintain harmony and focus on my job. Another instance occurred while working in South Korea, where questioning anything in the workplace was met with resistance, leading me to become silent once again. Despite my professionalism, it wasn’t enough, and I was deemed “not a good fit.” Finding the balance between advocating for oneself and maintaining professionalism is challenging. Choosing silence shouldn’t be seen as negative or unapproachable but rather as a signal for deeper issues that require evaluation and conversation. In the workplace, active transparency and accountability are essential, and employees shouldn’t be punished for their bosses’ insecurities or lack of transparency. I've taught tons of students, so as a dance educator, I understand the importance of acknowledging every student, even those who remain silent. Their silence may stem from insecurities, which should be addressed with empathy rather than punishment. I do whatever I can to help students feel seen and also feel an ounce of joy, before they leave. Teaching has always been close to my heart because impacting someone’s life is important to me. Isn't there a cause behind our pain and depressive episodes? If team members fall silent or friends don’t respond to texts, there’s usually a reason behind it. In the workplace, SILENCE should be met with curiosity and empathy, not mislabeling or punishment. ~deeply You're probably thinking, what could this phrase possibly be alluding to?
Well . . . I watched a streaming show on BET entitled: Zatima and there's a character named Zac. And this same character is on another show entitled Sistas, which I watched first. In the latter, the story line shows Zac's character being someone who has made tons of life mistakes, which ended up damaging his relationship, and causing him to lose his stable housing. He'd been to jail and could only work at the airport: He would drive people to their gates on the airport carts. However, one day, he met a woman in the airport who ended up giving him a stock tip, but he never pursued it, at the time. Later, he joined a program for previous offenders that helped them gain skills, give back and learn about real estate. As the story proceeds . . . Zac receives his first big paycheck from the program that he joined and without knowing anything about trading and stocks, he took a chance one day. Now, the plot thickens and what ends up happening is that Zac hits big on a stock and his life drastically changes. He's able to do all the things he's ever wanted: quit his job, meet a new love interest, pay people back, purchase material upgrades BUT . . . There's a scene when he talks to his therapist; I'll paraphrase. Zac talks about how the women he loves, always leave. Also, him and his therapist come to the realization that Zac has the mindset that anytime he's doing better and getting back on his feet . . . A horrible situation occurs and he always ends up where he started - back in lack or back in pain; the happiness never lasts. Now, I placed a few statements in BOLD and here's why: I'm drawing a clear parallel to both Zac's story and the statements in bold. Reflecting on my own life . . . throughout the years, I've met SO many people who I followed their lead and took a chance on and my life drastically changed, more than I thought was possible. And more recently, I reconnected with a woman who sent me a message, sharing her belief in me, as a previous student of mine; she initially showed empathy with my hardships that I've been facing. And since that message . . . she has drastically changed my life! However, just like Zac from the story above I too feel like the people I really love or loved, always leave. The woman who I'm referring to in my personal reflection has "left," but this time, not physically. This time the reconnection has shifted into misalignment and misunderstanding, a shocking lack of both empathy and transparency, lots of blame and judgement. In Zatima, Zac became very emotional. And in this particular scene, what he shared and how he was feeling was truly heartbreaking - he was back in pain. After taking another chance in life, I can truly empathize with this feeling. [the uncomfortable space] I ask you: Have you had these experiences? Have you ever felt like you took a chance in life, for your hope in new possibilities to now feel crushed and misaligned? What did you do? How did you handle it? What should we do? People say that the gut-wrenching losses that we experience are supposed to teach us something about ourselves . . . Do you ever feel like you're the one who's always "learning lessons" at the worst - possible - time? It sometimes feels like that "woman has left you" again. WTF do I do now? How am I to navigate through this? I thought I was on my "come up," but whether you or I believe, remember that Bible verse that's been ingrained in us, since we were young: "God will never put more on you, then you can bear?" Sadly, that's what I always thought. However, I've reached the uncomfortable space: That space that's in between being angry at someone but being thankful for what they've helped you with, thus far having to silence my voice by shutting up, but knowing that I will eventually shut down . . . only to keep the peace wanting to give up, but needing to let go and give in . . . by allowing someone to help me, even though I no longer want them around. . . . How have you handled your UNCOMFORTABLE SPACES? ~deeply Navigating feelings of defeat can be deeply personal and often overlooked. Whether it's physical or mental, defeat can stem from consecutive rejections or unfulfilled opportunities. Many of us have preconceived notions about how our lives should unfold, and when reality diverges from these expectations, it can lead to a sense of defeat.
So, what do we do when progress feels stagnant and support is scarce? Do we retreat, indulge in escapism, or confront our emotions head-on? The reality is, coping mechanisms vary from person to person. Some may find solace in meditation, while others grapple with anger or guilt over past decisions and missed opportunities. How do YOU handle feeling defeated? For me, defeat has become an unwelcome companion, a constant reminder of past missteps and uncertain futures. It whispers doubts in the dead of night, questioning every decision I've ever made. While a loving family and supportive friends can provide comfort . . . I believe that the true antidote to defeat lies in LOVE. It may sound cliché, but love has a transformative power that can lift us out of despair. Though I've yet to experience love in its fullest capacity, I do believe in its ability to uplift and inspire. Coping with defeat is a journey, one that requires us to acknowledge all of our feelings and seek solace in the little things that do bring us a moment of joy. Through trauma and hardship, I've discovered that merely smiling and allowing myself to laugh, have had the remarkable ability to ease some of my burdens and become a reminder of self-love. ~deeply Our fear IS that we are inadequate.
In our journey, the persistent fear looms — the fear of inadequacy. Drawing from personal experiences, I find that encountering someone else's accolades or recognition can evoke a sense of longing: When will it be my turn? Despite our efforts to downplay the importance of external validation, it lingers, even if it's just that last 1% of what we stand for. Acknowledging the "likes" on our posts and the audience browsing our pages, we yearn to be seen for the effort we've invested. Reaching out to connect, especially outside our industry, can sting when faced with disinterest. The internal questioning begins: What's wrong with me? I've showcased my work, proven my worth, and articulated my value. So, what is it? As we age, some may find solace in their established support systems and careers, content with life's trajectory. However, for those navigating new facets of getting older, encountering life's unexpected challenges, such as racism and ageism, can compromise mental health, triggering the fear of inadequacy. Feeling inadequate, synonymous with "not enough or good enough/insufficient/lacking," isn't unfamiliar territory. Even if fleeting, these moments challenge our self-perception. The familiar quote attributed to Marianne Williamson resonates: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." Now, consider a different perspective: What if our deepest fear is that we are inadequate because we are powerful beyond measure, yet that power goes unrecognized? While our support system may acknowledge our worth, the persistent craving for external validation remains. In this narrative, the fear evolves -- the light we naturally offer morphs into darkness, and that transformation is what truly frightens us. Despite knowing our inner selves, the hurt lingers when others perceive us from an unrecognizable source of light – darkness. "It's ok to not be ok" this familiar quote echoes. And as Najwa Zebian wisely puts it in her book, "Welcome Home," we must embrace our struggles: Sit with it. Have tea with it. Understand it. Then let it leave. ~ deeply I think it' s so unfair how people treat you, once you start getting older. It's like any work that you did in your past doesn't matter anymore. And what becomes much harder, as you get older is that your career starts to take a backseat to LIFE, causing setbacks that you never saw coming. So does it mean that the contributions in your career, only mattered when you were younger?
I laugh at my last statement because no one ever knew my age because I hid it. No one even knew that when I first moved to LA, I was already in my late 20s. I didn't know of any "other worlds" existing beyond my small suburban community. And as I was growing up . . . going into the city of Chicago, was always a big deal, so when I started getting opportunities to teach, all around that city - I felt like I was accomplishing something great! So here's the blunt truth. . . was I the one who decided when my parents would meet, have a kid, then even more candidly . . . was I the one to who decide the date, I would come out of my mom's crouch?!?! We're all adults here. Again, did I get to decide this? My birthdate! NO. This may seem like an angry, journal entry, but this is my truth. Are you open to hearing it? Isn't the societal expectation to get into college, find a good job, start a career, build your network, then later get married, have children, give to charities, get awards for our efforts, then retire with your 401K? Now, many like myself, haven't taken this type of path but what I've accomplished, many (former employers, jobs I've been interviewed for, or emails/messages that I've received) have all stated that my work is "impressive!" But yet, I didn't get that job or I wasn't a "good fit" or another candidate was chosen, OR more upsettingly, after receiving A job . . . I found myself being pushed out! My question was always why? What's wrong with me? Why was my work and credentials always "so impressive," but I always ended up on the disappointing end? Moreover, in the past 3 years (including 2023) I've found myself stripped from my income, pushed out, let go. There was also a time when HR, wasn't even aware, nor understood my dismissal. To add, I was even asked to have a conversation with an inclusion consultant, who wanted to know about my Google review, of this renown theatre in New Jersey. We discussed how/why the company who hired me multiple times because of my credentials and work, had suddenly had a change of heart about my intended work and direction. I found it was interesting how there was an immediate change of heart after delivering great work and providing a holistic atmosphere, where students could learn and be their authentic selves; I've always had high expectations, but it's always resulted in growth & building my credentials, but not diluting them. On the contrary, I wanted to write about AGEISM once before, but I feared judgement. Those who think of me as "not being in their league" to even talk of such, unconsciously bias. However, I believe that I started to experience ageism when I put my pride aside, to get 2 minimal wage jobs: One at Target & the other at a boutique retail store in Chicago, as an Assistant Manager. Before receiving this job, I had forgone a stint of deep depression, due to another bout of mistreatment, received at 2 well known Chicago dance studios. So, I had no income. I wasn't looking for jobs. I couldn't. I could barely get out the bed. I barely left my apartment. On that note: At that boutique retail job, I soon realized that I was perceived as younger because I appeared younger. I was perceived to be on the "same level" as my colleagues because I would joke around with them or genuinely able to relate to them. More recently, I realized that my skill and leadership qualities triggered insecurities in my manager because I would speak up when things weren't handled correctly; I also had the ability to learn my job responsibilities quickly and didn't need much guidance when doing my job; I was confident in what the job entailed. I understood how to speak with customers because at this point, I had already been a teacher for 17 years. Being a teacher for years is something that I could never fully disclose, outside of dance, especially working a minimum wage job, but I really needed the money and I knew that I had the leadership skills to do any role, especially as a Target associate or as an Assistant Manager. Here's a more recent situation that I experienced, here is South Korea. Because I was trying to escape a terrible situation that I was in, back in New York. I, instantaneously took an English teaching job here. Learning later that my race and my AGE was the exact reason why I was let go. Every other instructor didn't have as much experience as I did, nor did they speak up when we were put under overwhelming pressure, even my "head teacher" didn't understand how to be an effective leader nor advocate for staff, she didn't have the skills, and MOST definitely didn't understand the difference between having transparent conversations and disagreements vs. seeing it as confrontation. This has angered me to the upmost degree because wouldn't you want your teachers to have EXPERIENCE? My positive student engagement and student management, was never taken into account. My work ethic didn't matter. My preparation didn't matter. My transparent communication didn't matter. This clearly shows that younger teachers are preferred because they can be controlled. This is the main reason why I bring up Ageism because it's become a result of my years of work, my accomplishments. I never thought that having experience and advocating for myself would "bite me in the ass!" I always thought that if I just worked hard at building my credentials . . it would work in my favor & I would be seen as an asset, rather than dismissed, discriminated against, or let go. Many fail to understand how experiencing REJECTION, SO many times. . . can really effect our mental health, the ability to see ourselves as valuable or deem ourselves as worthy. Now, I do understand that there are new/gifted talents out there and I also understand how younger people need and should be presented with "a chance." (Though I didn't grow up in the Gen Z or Alpha generation, I was still given my 1st chance to teach by Claire Bataille, the 1st dancer of Hubbard Street, AFTER I worked with her in college and AFTER I studied dance in college.) Nevertheless, I also wholeheartedly believe that Gen Z/Alpha can sometimes bring in more funds, popularity, & online presence for companies/studios/institutions. Gen Z/Alpha have grown up in a generation where "paying your dues" isn't as important, as they were when I was growing up, as a Millennial. Popularity is now the only thing that matters and the rest of us WITH education, foundation & LIFE EXPERIENCE seem to get kicked to the curb, especially if we've never had the "track record of popularity," which can be quite upsetting & hurtful. An example of paying dues would be: I didn't grow up in dance, I didn't start early in my training. I didn't start my official dance training, until college; I majored in Dance. And there, I only learned the Eurocentric forms of dance and theory; what is still seen as the "holy grail" - Ballet and Modern . . . I was always told how it prepared you for the dance world. So, when I stepped into the dance scene, I viewed so many people with more technique and technical abilities than I had. However, I've learned that college dance pushes you in the direction of concert dance only. The misconception is that college dance is needed in order to succeed in dance, period. In my opinion, that isn't true. College dance is just another way to receive your training and make connections, primarily in concert dance & musical theatre. There's always been a difference in opinion with whether or not going to college for dance is beneficial. As for me, I only went to college for dance because my mom found a college where I could study it; I personally didn't know a lick about dance. However, knowledge in the field (taking tons of classes, being visible, and showcasing your own talent via choreography or performance) can also assist in building a strong online presence and also pave a way into mainstream entities. All in all, my initial reasoning for enhancing my credentials (as a dance teacher/choreographer) was to "prove my worth." I wanted others' respect, I wanted others to deem me as valuable, regardless of how late I started, in the game. And as a result, I prematurely felt accomplished because I was once sought after, the one that renown places wanted to hire: I trained & I proved my value with both hard work and ability. BUT Where do I fit . . . now? Has 'aging' (whether in the dance scene or professional working world) and not being new on the scene, facing many hardships, being a nomad, not having security, lacking support, losing connections . . . cancelled me out? OR Will I be on edge . . . always looking for the ball to drop - for me, to lose that job? OR Will I always be IN BETWEEN . . . both age and ability? . . . always having to prove myself for others, to deem me as worthy? The reality is: "They don't my name" - they only see my AGE because of my PAST accomplishments. ~deeply When I was going through my LinkedIn Premium package and what it offered, I remember a question, in the "Interview Section" asking about a failure or mistake that we had made.
What's interesting is that today (12.25) - I made a mistake. However, when I answered this question, the first example that came up in my mind was . . . with being the Founder and Creative Director of moveDIPR. When I took on that role . . . I could clearly remember 2017 being a hightlight! It was the first time where everything felt like it was going right. I had a team. I had a project company. I had a right hand/assistant. I was able to scale to Teens with my apprentice program, we were offering company classes and we were even able to bring in Guest Teachers. And with that, I was already teaching at some of the top dance studios in New York (3 to be exact) - I was building my name and my brand is an awesome way! I was top of the world! However, today I received a message from someone that I wanted to connect with on LinkedIn and their answer was "NO" - they didn't feel comfortable because I didn't use the correct pronouns. Now, immediately I felt horrible because 1. I'm a black woman, so I should understand how 1 incident can harm us, even when it's as small as an unconscious bias or microaggression. I honestly felt like shit, in that moment! And something that I clearly remember from doing my DEI training was that when you offend someone or say something unwarranted . . . you should not apologize profusely! But what was my first instinct? >>> To apologize profusely and make it about me: my advocacy for trans and nonbinary students, having a best friend who's gay, etc - everything that we hate about the advocacy or apologies that we receive from white women. So, to answer the 1st question about a mistake you made . . . this will definitely be a mistake that will be more present in my mind. All this to say . . . no matter how much older we become, it doesn't absolve us from making mistakes . . . even after recurring more training and knowledge. So all we can do is "Lean in to listen," & KEEP TRYING to become better people. And in this case, in turns out that my impact was worse than my initial intent. ~deeply I believe I once wrote a little about this, in a previous entry. However, I wanted to write about this again.
"Comparison is the thief of joy!" ~ Theodore Roosevelt "Comparison is the death of joy!" ~ Mark Twain We've all heard these phrases before right? And many of us can not honestly say that seeing another person's life, hasn't lit a spark under our a**es! I don't know. For me, sometimes I feel defeated because I'm not where they are or not where I'd like to be, at this point in my life . . . but sometimes, I get inspired to write or share my story with others . . . and sometimes, I even get TOO pumped! Yes, too pumped because I start updating everything: my profile on every social media page, my materials (resumes, bio, CV, etc), I try to ensure that there's ultimate cohesion on my websiteS . . . all so others can recognize my worth - so others can deem me as worthy - so others would want ME! So, what is this entry about? COMPARISON Is it really the silent killer or is it our ULTIMATE motivation? I can admit. When I notice that others are doing better in their lives or reaching milestones that I wish I could. . . I don't CHANGE WHO I AM: honest, vulnerable, no BS type of black woman . . . speak up about the things that I see or believe a voice needs to be added to or advocate for an unheard voice . . . why? because deep down inside, all of my heartaches, fffd up friendships, estranged family dynamic, jobs and bosses who did NOT want me or see me or hear me . . . THIS IS MY VOICE! I do have a voice, whether it's in art, teaching or outside of it. I bring value. Yes, I challenge the status quo. Yes, I don't always agree. Yes, I do and approach things differently because I LEARNED LATE. I didn't follow the trajectory of common society; I became an artist and a dance educator first, because that's all I thought I was good at. Moving on . . . And yes, I share with vulnerability. BUT! None of this takes away from my WORTH! So again, Does comparison make or break us? My answer is that it does BOTH! Let's start with the latter . . . as artists or educators or just merely existing as who we are (ME - a black woman) - it appears to be that the more broken and misunderstood I am, the more I push! The more I find ways of making myself MORE visible, whether people go "oops! I forgot to unfollow her or here she go again! . . . I don't have the capacity" - It will NEVER stop me showcasing my TALENTSSSS! My talents, my skills, my 'itty bitty' achievements may not mean a lot to most (who may have several degrees or do the most upstanding non profit or volunteer work, raising a family, or any corporate work), but I MATTER . . . just like you. Say that to yourself because I definitely have to see these words written or whisper them to myself, from time to time: I MATTER. And NOTE: You'll never know someone else's full capability, unless you offer someone outside of your tribe/circle that conversation or respond back to their message or take time out of your day to engage with them, whether it be a video chat or cup of coffee. In all, COMPARISON makes us better! Pushes us to become better and lights a fire in us . . . and that fire may even pull out some really dope ish! lol For example, I shared an honest moment of comparison with a fellow artist named Ellaine Manuel and she shared with me: "That takes some real guts and vulnerability to share that, so thank you for sharing something so honest with me...You deserve so much more, truly." PS. Elaine and I have never gone for coffee nor taken each other's classes, nor created anything together, but we do respond to each other's messages - we just have this connection on a deeper level . . . and it truly means the world to me! These are the types of people who we need in our lives, whenever Comparison rears its head. Together! We can really be honest about how we feel and that enhances our mental health right? ~deeply TODAY I HAD TO TAKE A BREATH…
I woke up and immediately went to my phone because I ended up sleeping in, later than I wanted to. Why? The answer is due to insomnia, plus the anxiety of being in South Korea, on top of trying to manage the time difference between South Korea and America. Nevertheless, I came across a company’s name, here on LinkedIn, specifically I ran across the owner's profile, of this company. For context, the owner used to be my friend; I used to work for him in Chicago. And just from seeing his name . . . I was triggered. It took me back to that uncomfortable space, living in Chicago years ago. What this revealed to me was that I still wasn't healed from the heartbreak, the micro aggressions, the gaslighting, the bias work culture, the betrayal, and the lack of accountability, from the entire organization and also the lack of support from the community that supports it; My former friend was a white man, with much power in the Chicago Arts community (the city I grew up in). And as a black woman . . . this "friend," didn't hear me. The company, the community, my allies . . . They didn't hear me. I was only seen as A talent, in the workplace, I was even faulted for being quiet, in the office (a choice I made, whenever I felt uncomfortable) . . . I soon noticed that my authentic self wasn't welcomed (I can clearly remember walking into the office and only receiving a glance of acknowledgement), this company did not want to hear my voice; I was the one who would brought up concerns in the privilege that some students were allowed to have vs others, the treatment that my trans student encountered, the disrespect that I encountered in previous years, of working for this company, plus my needs in the job I was hired to do, but not fully compensated for. Years back, I began to speak up, so I wrote an Open Letter, describing my mistreatment, in more detail. Moving forward, how do you all process getting older and how to utilize DISCERNMENT? Utilizing discernment is a key element, in determining who you align with - who should be in your circle, who should be in your camp, your tribe. . . pretty much where you can access support. Do you ‘unfriend and unfollow’ or remove a connection or contact? What do you do when a connection seems off? If you recently made new/genuine connections, then you find out that these connections are still connected and continue to support someone (a company) who caused you massive harm and who became your oppressor . . . how would you handle this? We all know of worldly oppressors who commit cruel atrocities or devalue everyone having fair human rights. But in simple terms, someone who is deemed as an oppressor is also someone who prevents you from having the same opportunities, freedom, and benefits of others, to keep down by unjust use of power. I experienced the latter = the misuse of power that unconsciously discriminated against me, taking away my income, which in turn, caused haphazard effects on both my mental and physical well-being. So again, how do you utilize DISCERNMENT...when it comes to making new connections, who genuinely support you/your work/your efforts . . . but, of whom also unintentionally trigger your past, unhealed pain? deeply, The reason why I'm sharing and exposing this reality is because Black women, more often than not, are always viewed in a negative light and often get their words and actions misconstrued.
I've experienced a great deal of trauma, on the job, in the past 3 years and to say that it hasn't impacted my mental health would be asinine. (Not to mention, the personal traumas that I've experience outside of the workplace). Experiencing mistreatment and having your GOOD/BENEFICIAL qualities unrecognized, causes most, especially me, to fall into a deep dark hole, where we become hopeless. When no one hears you, or sees you and your hardwork, it becomes incredibly difficult to merely move on and find acceptance and peace. I never thought that my 1st experience in South Korea would end up like this - heartbreaking! These are the statements that stood out to me, emailed on (11/17 @ 11:23am) by my former colleague (Y***** A.) at Chungham Academy (Creverse) in South Korea: "I did not want to send you an email, but seeing how much of a coward you are, I had to do this." Mind you, she NEVER once came to talk to ME - in person, about anything that was bothering her, she ALWAYS hid away or ran away, but she has thee audacity to call me a coward. "You never met deadlines, lost test papers, had low scores on evaluations. You never met deadlines (INCORRECT), lost test papers (INCORRECT), had low scores on evaluations. (Question? Who even shared any of this with her? Shouldn't information about another staff member be confidential?)" "You spoke down to people and expected them to not say anything? (WHO & WHEN & HOW EXACTLY?) I don’t know where you got that privilege from.(I'm BLACK, I have no privilege) Majority of the teachers did not like how you spoke to them and felt uncomfortable in your presence. (A VERY BOLD STATEMENT, but the key phrase here is "felt uncomfortable") Let me paint a picture: MOST OF THE TIME . . . I STAYED TO MYSELF AND IN MY CLASSROOM, prepping & only made contact with others, when I needed to." Also, I don't recall anyone following me 24/7, in order to see all of my interactions. Nor aware of any messages that I sent that SHOWED MY THANKS, to certain colleagues, whenever they helped me out or did something generous. UNLESS, IIIIIIIIIII was being targeted and harassed?!?! I guess being a STRONG BLACK WOMAN who's independent and very confident in her work/voice, triggered personal insecurities. Hmm? Think about that for a moment. "Don’t harass me AT WORK (after going to her room to speak to her woman to woman. . . was there anger? Yes. Was there hurt? Yes) I don’t know how it worked in America for you and how you even managed to hold a job, but your behavior is not suitable for a work place." (insert a deep sigh here) I do not let people talk down to me (TALK DOWN?) and yet you still expected me to be ok with how you spoke to me (AN UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION) 20 minutes (INCORRECT) before my class started? You are a 30+ woman who keeps attacking someone younger than you. You need to GROW UP and be a GROWN ASS WOMAN. You need to learn how to speak to people. I am more mature than you, I DO NOT LOOK AT PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR COLOUR. I look at them BASED ON THEIR PERSONALITY. This is something YOU NEED TO LEARN AND IMPLEMENT IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE. (WOW! VERY BOLD) "You continuously attacked me, stalked me and texted me (ATTACKED? NOT SO MUCH! STALKED? NOT SO MUCH! TEXTED? --- YES!)" "...colour? This is an absolutely childish thing to say. Yet you still claim to be mature. Maybe it is an American thing to make everything about race. But I am not American. I do not give two shits if someone has a different skin colour to me. A human is a human, if you’re shitty person then you’ll be treated like a shitty person, if you’re a good person, then you’ll be treated like a good person. This is common knowledge of human life. And with your age, you should already know this. I, someone who is younger than you, should not be teaching you this." That is a very racist (I'M BLACK, HOW CAN I BE RACIST?) statement to make, and wit you continuously saying you are a PERSON OF COLOUR, I expected more from you. You just continuously try to find reasons to attack me and blame me for your arrogant mistakes. (Arrogance and confidence are 2 totally different attributes.) . . . Also my LAWYER IS BLACK (INTERESTING STATEMENT) Let me now COMBAT THIS FALSE NARRATIVE . . . Yes, in America we are allowed to disagree and have disagreements, colleagues are no different. We are allowed not to get along, nor 'like' every co-worker. We are allowed to make mistakes. We are allowed to text whoever TF we want! We are allowed to CALL IN people for uncomfortable conversations. LEGALLY we are granted to have ALL of our hard work compensated for. More likely than not, we stick by what's written in our contracts. We are allowed to ADVOCATE for ourselves and others. We are allowed to challenge perspectives. We are allowed to ask for RESPECT, ACCOUNTABILITY AND TRANSPARENCY from not only our colleagues, but also from OUR WORKPLACE, which includes OUR MANAGERS & OUR BOSSES. AS A BLACK WOMAN - I'VE NEVER ATTACKED, NOR HARASSED, NOR INTENDED TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL UNSAFE!!! I'VE SPOKEN MY TRUTH, I'VE EXPRESSED MY FEELINGS, I'VE ADVOCATED FOR MYSELF, I'VE PROVEN MY VALUE. AND YES, I SOMETIMES, REACT, INSTEAD OF 'RESPOND,' & YES, I F***** TEXT PEOPLE, even if/when I'm upset & so does the ENTIRE world! - THAT IS NOT A CRIME! And here's the messed up thing. . . the colleague that wrote this email to me - we went out to dinner, SHE shared her mistreatment BY THE ACADEMY and I showed her so much empathy and support, gave her a card, sent her podcasts of inspiration, allowed her into my space, shared my empathy for her loved ones - health issues and also immediately left my classroom one day, to HUG her and allowed her to vent . . . when she endured and had an uncomfortable meeting with the BM & Manager; They did not care that she didn't have the funds for a flight back to her country because the academy was requiring her to pay certain fees. Lastly, I guess she doesn't recall how we walked to our apartment complex together and stood in the hallway, near the elevators and just laughed and vented about the academy. She seemed to have felt SAFE then? Oh! And let's not forget how she once confided in me on how she was going to SUE THIS ACADEMY & SPECIFICALLY OUR MANAGER, E*** . . . due to his harassment. IRONIC huh? For the record, I do not feel threatened by Ya****'s email . . . there is obviously a huge cultural difference here . . . but BLACK WOMEN ARE BEYOND STRONG & WE WILL NEVER ALLOW PEOPLE TO SPEAK OUR TRUTHS FOR US. Click here to hear about another story of how an African teacher. She's in currently in another country but this clearly shows how Black Women are treated. There's more to the story, regarding the BIAS work culture, at this academy and how WHITE teachers, MALE teachers, and KOREAN/AMERICAN Teachers are treated very differently. At the end of the day, if we, as black women don't speak our truths . . . others will cause us to feel LESS than who we really are. I AM NOT the picture that was painted of me in South Korea. And I will continue to share my story . . . ~deeply |
About this blog:With an organic writing approach, I bring intuition, addressing workplace concerns & matters that affect me D.eeply Archives
April 2024
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