. . . this is my current headspace.
You know when things happen outside of your control and you just don't know what you should do. Even if you meditate, go on Tik Tok for laughs or even scroll IG, to follow what is happening in the world (because you don't own a TV). . . all of this doesn't take away the fact that "you're in a rock and hard place" and no one is coming to save you!
That's when you get "mad at the world" - for placing you in a situation that sitting in silence and being 1 with your thoughts - won't cure. The anger that you built up inside is that QUIET anger. The anger that people only notice if you "clawback" or have a bad day or do a crazy (not-so-you) post on IG, or you begin to do what you've always done . . . HIDE!
It's like you're waiting around for the next ball to drop! And as much as you'd rather hide (in order for someone to miss your presence) . . . you (I) crave for connection, for a way to be of value . . . BUT it constantly seems like there's this dark cloud looming above.
So what's the point of this article?
Well. . . we all know that every emotion is valid and anger is one of them. With that said, processing uncomfortable emotions is pertinent for progress!
For example, I use writing these articles or writing short blogs, in order to get my emotions out . . . whether good or bad. And I used to journal, but journaling no longer serves me in the same way. So, if I take the time to write these snippets or even process a review that I'm led to write . . . then, I start to feel EMPOWERED in some type of way - less isolated, less engulfed in my emotions, - it becomes less about doing something stupid, like being self-destructive.
It gives me PEACE . . . even for a moment in time. I can block out the world and see myself as something other than my critical thoughts: "a failure," "a F*** up!" I begin to see myself with all my complexities - a human being who's been dealt some shitty cards, but someone who continues to overcome these odds.
How? . . . you may ask
The answer is with MINIMAL PRODUCTIVITY.
Yes, I should leave my bed. Yes, I should get some fresh air. Yes, I should take a walk. Yes, I should shower. Yes, I should eat. BUT!
The moment that I start to get in this space . . . where nothing matters but my writing. I've actually made one once of progress.
found some SERENITY
And isn't that part of healing?
It's been a while since I've written . . . I've since moved to South Korea but not because it was always a goal of mine. Click here to read about my move.
Nevertheless, today (4pm KST Wednesday) I'd like to share about LONELINESS. Living in another country has taught me more about loneliness than I've ever experienced . . . in this way. LONELINESS is definitely something that all of us experience, but this type of loneliness . . . being a foreigner, living in another country (not just visiting) . . . with all the cultural differences, has been a huge challenge. One being, finding a support system. - Finding a support system can be tough when you seek a new opportunity, as a result of hardships experienced prior to; This was my situation.
I thought that this decision would change my life, in a good way, but not being able to immediately contact the US, merely because of the 14hr time difference, can feel like a loss of connection. You begin to become "out of sight, out of mind" . . . a very hard pill to swallow.
What also contributes to LONELINESS is not being able to trust. I've been in a workplace that "faked support," not really open to hearing my concerns, nor did they recognize my value. This part of loneliness is from the lack of trust, that leads to self-isolation and only doing the bare minimum, at work.
Another piece of LONELINESS is traveling solo. When you travel solo (everywhere), there's still a loss of connection, but in addition there isn't anyone to share new sites or experiences with.
Now, this isn't an article for empathy. This is an article to share awareness of the type of LONELINESS that comes from taking a leap - a risk - looking for a way to change your life, for the better! The reassuring part of this type of LONELINESS is that you're forced to figure things out on your own (develop even more strength and courage), "find yourself" . . . even amidst the DISCOMFORT.
How would you handle this type of loneliness?